Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of unattainably high standards, often fueled by internal pressures and societal expectations. For a working mom, this manifests in various ways: striving for a spotless home, preparing Instagram-worthy meals, ensuring young children excel in every activity, and climbing the corporate ladder—all while being a “perfect mom.” This intense drive to meet unrealistic expectations can result in feelings of failure, even when you’re doing your absolute best. Social media often amplifies these pressures, showcasing picture-perfect families that create a false sense of what being a “good mom” looks like. The symptoms of mom burnout—physical exhaustion, emotional health struggles, and a pervasive sense of “not enough time”—are often rooted in the inability to let go of perfectionism.
In this article, you can expect to learn how perfectionism shows up for working moms, its impact, the Perfectionist Cycle how to break it, and how perfectionism is linked to burnout. Finally, you’ll learn 5 practical ways you can successfully overcome perfectionism in your daily life, and feel less stressed!
About the author
Dr Claire Ashley is a passionate advocate for working moms and a soon-to-be-published author and public speaker specializing in stress management, burnout, and work-life balance. With personal experiences as a mother navigating societal pressures and professional challenges, she combines empathy with evidence-based advice to support moms striving for healthier, happier lives.
You can pre-order her debut book, The Burnout Doctor, from all good bookstores now!
How perfectionism shows up for working moms
Perfectionism is a mindset characterized by setting excessively high standards and striving for flawlessness, often accompanied by critical self-evaluation. For working moms, perfectionism can be a double-edged sword: while it may drive them to excel in their careers and personal lives, it often leads to burnout, guilt, and dissatisfaction when those standards feel unattainable. Let’s dive into what it feels like to experience perfectionism now:
1. Thoughts:
Perfectionist working moms often believe they must be the perfect parent and employee simultaneously. This might sound like:
- “If I’m not doing it all, I’m failing.”
- “There’s a right way to do everything, and I need to find it.”
- “Other moms seem to manage it better than I do.”
Society often reinforces these thoughts through expectations from workplaces, social media, and family dynamics.
2. Feelings:
The emotional toll of perfectionism can manifest as:
- Anxiety over incomplete tasks on your to-do list
- Guilt for prioritizing work over child care or vice versa
- Resentment about unmet high expectations, either their own or others
In some cases, these feelings can escalate to mental health challenges like postpartum depression or panic attacks, particularly when moms feel they are constantly falling short.
3. Actions:
Perfectionism impacts behavior, often leading to:
- Over-committing at work and home, leaving not enough hours for rest
- Micromanaging household responsibilities to maintain control
- Avoiding hard conversations about workload or boundaries
- Using unhelpful coping mechanisms like having a glass of wine (or several!), or stress-eating
If this sounds like you, read on!
The impact of perfectionism on working moms
Mental and emotional health
Constantly chasing perfection can deplete emotional reserves, leaving little space for joy or creativity. This may lead to chronic stress, which affects physical health, sleep quality, and resilience.
Time management challenges
Perfectionism often means spending excessive time on tasks that don’t align with a mom’s core values. For example, an hour perfecting a birthday cake might steal precious moments that could have been spent fostering strong relationships with their child or partner.
Work-life balance struggles
Perfectionism can cause working moms to view their dual roles as competing rather than complementary. Whether you’re working full-time or part-time, these moms often feel torn between achieving career success and being present at home.
The Perfectionist Cycle: how it traps you
Perfectionism is often fueled by the belief that achieving a lofty goal will finally bring relief, validation, or peace of mind. Instead, what typically happens is the perfectionist cycle:
- Unrealistic expectations: Setting impossibly high standards for yourself, whether at work, at home, or in parenting.
- Intense effort: Pouring immense time and energy into meeting these standards, often at the cost of physical and emotional health.
- Momentary achievement: Reaching the goal, but finding only fleeting satisfaction.
- Self-criticism: Instead of celebrating success, noticing minor flaws or ways you “could have done better.”
- Raising the bar: Setting an even higher standard for the next goal, restarting the cycle.
For working moms, this cycle is everywhere: striving for a spotless home, meeting every family obligation, excelling in a demanding job, or trying to be a “perfect mom” who never misses a soccer game or bedtime story. The problem is that achievement doesn’t break the cycle. It feeds it. Each success only raises the stakes, increasing internal pressures and perpetuating the sense of “never enough.”
Why achievement doesn’t satisfy perfectionists
For perfectionists, the satisfaction of reaching a goal is overshadowed by the focus on perceived flaws and the next challenge. This is because perfectionism isn’t about the goal but the fear of failure, inadequacy, or judgment. External achievements can’t fix the internal fear or need for control that drives perfectionism. Instead, chasing perfection leaves moms physically exhausted, emotionally depleted, and at risk of parental burnout.
What breaks the perfectionist cycle if it’s not achievement or success?
The key to breaking free is letting go of perfectionism and embracing being “good enough.” This requires a mindset shift prioritizing self-compassion, personal growth, and aligning with core values rather than external validation. Here’s how working moms can achieve this:
- Practice self-compassion: Replace harsh self-criticism with kindness. Treat yourself as you would a close friend.
- Redefine success: Focus on progress, connection, and meaningful moments rather than flawless results.
- Set healthy boundaries: Learn to say no to unrealistic expectations, whether from yourself, family members, or societal pressures.
- Focus on emotional health: Prioritize personal time, stress management, and activities that nourish your well-being.
- Celebrate small victories: Shift from chasing big achievements to appreciating the small steps and daily wins that reflect your hard work and love.
Working moms can take the first step by challenging the belief that their worth is tied to achievement. For instance, instead of striving for a spotless home, you might decide that a lived-in home filled with love is more meaningful. By building a support system, learning to ask for help, and practicing gratitude for what you’ve already achieved, you can finally step off the hamster wheel of perfectionism.
Breaking the perfectionist cycle isn’t about lowering standards—it’s about choosing balance, self-care, and joy over the endless pursuit of “perfect.”
How perfectionism leads to burnout
Burnout occurs when stress levels reach a breaking point, and for working moms, perfectionism is a key contributor. Here’s how perfectionism creates a vicious cycle leading to mommy burnout:
- Unrealistic standards: Perfectionism sets moms up to feel like failures when you can’t do it all.
- Excessive workload: Household chores, family obligations, and professional life pile up, creating mental and physical exhaustion.
- Neglected boundaries: Many working moms have a hard time saying no, and overcommitting in your personal and professional lives.
- Depleted resources: Without proper stress management, moms reach their breaking point, experiencing symptoms of burnout like fatigue, irritability, and a loss of joy in daily life.
Recognizing signs of burnout
- Constant physical exhaustion that isn’t alleviated by rest
- Increased feelings of mom guilt or inadequacy
- A sense of detachment from family members, especially young children
- Loss of motivation in professional or personal growth
- Persistent stress or anxiety, even at the end of the day
So, managing any perfectionism that you’re experiencing isn’t just about making how you think, feel, and act feel easier and less stressful- it’ll also help you to avoid burnout.
Let’s move on to think about how you can achieve this!
5 practical ways working moms can overcome perfectionism in their daily lives
Let’s explore five realistic, research-backed ways to overcome perfectionism, grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and other evidence-based approaches.
1. Reframe “perfect” as “aligned with your core values”
Perfectionism often traps us into chasing an unattainable “right way” of doing things—whether at work or home. Instead, focus on what aligns with your core values.
- Ask yourself: What truly matters to me as a mom and as a professional?
For example, if spending quality time with your kids is a priority, remind yourself that building Lego towers or chatting over dinner is far more valuable than meticulously cleaning the house.
Practical tip:
Write down your top three values—such as connection, growth, or health—and keep them visible. Use them as a compass to decide where to invest your time and energy.
2. Challenge your inner critic with real-time statistics
Your inner perfectionist thrives on exaggeration: “I never do enough!” or “I’m a bad mom because I missed the bake sale.” Combat these thoughts with real-time statistics.
- Look at your day objectively. Did you complete a new project at work? Did you read to your child before bed? These are sure signs you’re showing up in meaningful ways.
Practical tip:
Keep a journal of your daily wins—big and small. Seeing your accomplishments on paper can provide a sense of accomplishment and reduce feelings of inadequacy.
3. Embrace “good enough” parenting
There’s no such thing as a perfect time or a perfect sense of balance between work and motherhood. Psychologists call this the “good enough parent” principle—accepting that your love and care are what truly make you a good mother, not your ability to do it all.
- Remember: Kids don’t need perfect primary caregivers; they need present, responsive, and loving ones.
Practical tip:
When you’re tempted to overdo it (like staying up all night to craft the “perfect” birthday party), pause and ask: Will this effort align with my child’s needs—or my perfectionist expectations?
4. Practice self-compassion instead of guilt
Feeling guilty is almost a default setting for individual moms trying to juggle everything. Instead of beating yourself up, practice self-compassion. Studies show that self-compassion reduces stress and increases resilience.
- Replace negative self-talk with kindness: “I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have.”
Practical tip:
When you feel guilt creeping in (e.g., for working late or taking time for yourself), treat yourself as you would a friend: would you berate them or offer understanding?
5. Seek practical support and professional help
Perfectionism often worsens in the face of a lack of support. Whether it’s societal expectations or personal pressure, no one can tackle everything alone.
- Consider enlisting practical support, such as a babysitter, meal delivery service, or a therapist. Many American moms have found a positive impact from professional guidance, particularly with CBT techniques to reframe perfectionist thoughts.
Practical tip:
Take advantage of your community, whether that’s swapping help with other moms or exploring professional help like therapy. Seeking support is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of strength.
Final thoughts: permit yourself to live a beautiful, imperfect life
Perfectionism may whisper that there’s a right time and best way to do everything. But the truth is that perfection isn’t the goal. The goal is connection, joy, and living in alignment with your values. For working moms, the last thing they need is more pressure. By embracing imperfection, prioritizing wisely, and seeking support, moms can find balance and peace in their beautifully imperfect lives.
As working moms, we’re told we can “have it all,” but perfectionism turns that promise into a burden. Worse, perfectionism and burnout often co-exist and feed into each other. By embracing strategies like aligning with your values, practicing self-compassion, and seeking support, you can create a beautiful life that’s meaningful, messy, and completely your own.
If you have any questions please feel free to leave them in the comments. I’ll answer each one personally.
Plus- if you enjoyed this article then you’ll love my weekly newsletter, The Phoenix. The Phoenix doctors working mothers to overcome stress, prevent burnout, and create careers that work for them. Sign up here.
References/Further reading
- American Psychological Association. (2021). The impact of parental burnout. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/cover-parental-burnout
- Mayo Clinic. (2023). Job burnout: How to spot it and take action. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/burnout/art-20046642
- Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Rising parental expectations linked to perfectionism in college students. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2022/03/parental-expectations-perfectionism
- American Psychological Association. (2021). Understanding Perfectionism. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2011/perfectionism
- Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.