Working moms know guilt and shame can become regular (and unwelcome) companions. These emotions, while normal, can weigh heavily on us, often sneaking in when we least expect it. But what are guilt and shame really about? And why do we feel them so intensely? More importantly, how can we manage these feelings so they don’t lead us down the road to burnout and other mental health problems?
Before we get started, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Dr Claire, and I’m Headspace’s UK Workplace Mental Wellbeing expert and a qualified Acceptance and Commitment Therapist. I bring together 20 years of clinical training and practice, as well as lived experience of burnout with a background in neuroscience to help you to manage stress more effectively, whilst achieving career success!
Understanding guilt and shame
Guilt and shame are emotions that serve as signals, helping us navigate our actions and values. Guilt often arises when we feel we’ve done something wrong—missed a child’s event, snapped at a co-worker, or let a deadline slip. It’s our brain’s way of nudging us to correct things, guiding us toward repair. Shame, on the other hand, goes a bit deeper. While guilt says, “I made a mistake,” shame says, “I am the mistake.” Experiences of shame tend to make us feel unworthy and small, often disconnecting us from others rather than prompting healthy action.
7 ways guilt and shame impact working moms
For working moms, the mix of work, family responsibilities, and self-care expectations can make guilt and shame feel like ever-present shadows. Here are seven examples of how these feelings of shame (and guilt) might show up as behavior change:
1. Missing milestones: Missing a child’s event, or the first time they walk (for instance) for work and feeling like a “bad mom.”
2. Leaving work early for family: Worrying that co-workers see you as less committed.
3. Taking time for self-care: Feeling selfish for prioritizing “me-time”, even when you get very little of it.
4. Asking for help: Feeling inadequate because you can’t “do it all” alone when everyone else seems to be flying (side note: social media is all smoke and mirrors!)
5. Struggling to maintain the home: Guilt over a messy house or ordering takeout.
6. Not advancing in your career: Experiencing shame for feeling you cannot push harder professionally because you’re barely surviving
7. Needing to set boundaries: Feeling guilty for saying “no” to overtime or extra projects.
In extreme cases, excessive guilt can lead to big behavioral changes (such as substance use), as folks attempt to manage their emotions.
How guilt and shame can lead to burnout
Guilt doesn’t just pop up in isolated moments—it can snowball and contribute to burnout. Here are three common ways guilt can directly fuel burnout:
1. Overcommitting to “make up for” time lost
Many moms feel guilty for any time spent away from family and try to overcompensate by taking on even more responsibilities. This leads to an endless cycle of overcommitment, with little room for rest or personal time.
2. Neglecting self-care due to guilt
Guilt often leads moms to prioritize everything and everyone else over themselves. Over time, this constant self-sacrifice can wear down emotional and physical reserves, contributing to burnout.
3. Nonexistent work boundaries
Working moms may feel guilty for needing to work, so they compensate by always being “on,” responding to messages late at night, and agreeing to extra tasks to prove they’re committed. This lack of boundaries is a sure path to burnout.
Of note, the experience of guilt and the overwhelming sense of responsibility that develops in burnout is considered such a hallmark feature that there are arguments to include it in the official definition of burnout!
How therapy exercises can help successfully manage these unhelpful thoughts
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts. With guilt, CBT enables moms to recognize when thoughts like “I’m a bad mom” or “I should be doing more” come up, then replace them with healthier alternatives that align with reality.
On the other hand, acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on accepting difficult emotions while still pursuing what matters most. ACT teaches working moms how to sit with feelings of guilt or shame without letting them dictate behavior. By learning to “make space” for these emotions, moms can focus on actions that align with their values without being held back by guilt.
3 exercises to help working moms overcome guilt
This guilt and shame worksheet is a game changer for your emotional well-being. Feel free to use the exercises below and write your responses down directly into your journal or note taking app. Alternatively, feel free to download your free printable! Simply click on the button below to get started.
Guilt and Shame Therapy Exercise 1: The “Guilt Check” Thought Record
This exercise helps you identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts that lead to feelings of guilt, allowing you to replace them with more balanced and supportive ones. Think of a recent moment when you felt guilt. Use the prompts below to unpack your thoughts, analyze them, and reframe them more compassionately.
1. Describe the situation: What happened? (e.g., “I had to miss bedtime to work late.”)
2. Identify the thought: What thought(s) triggered the guilt? (e.g., “I’m a bad mom.”)
3. Evaluate the thought: Is this thought 100% true? Could there be another explanation?
4. Reframe and replace the thought: Replace the thought with something more balanced and kind. (e.g., “One missed bedtime doesn’t define me as a mom. I’m showing my kids what commitment looks like.”)
A worked example:
1. Describe the situation: Maria missed a family dinner due to a work deadline.
2. Identify the thought: “I’m failing my family by not being there.”
3. Evaluate the thought: Maria asks herself if she really has failed her family by not being at this dinner.
4. Reframe and replace the thought: “I’m working to support my family, and one missed dinner doesn’t undo my love or commitment to them.”
5. Outcome: Maria feels less guilty about missing the family dinner. She calls to apologize and then asks her family for their availability for her to host on a day when she doesn’t have any other commitments.
How much time to spend doing this:
Aim to complete this exercise once a week, or any time you notice guilt creeping in. Spend about 10–15 minutes per session.
With regular use, many moms find that after a few weeks, they start automatically challenging guilty thoughts more compassionately. If using the printable, you can use the space provided to record your thoughts.
Guilt and Shame Therapy Exercise 2: Values-based action plan
This ACT exercise encourages you to focus on values-driven actions rather than guilt-driven ones, helping you prioritize what truly matters to you. Connecting actions to values creates a sense of fulfillment and clarity. List up to three values that are important to you (e.g., “family connection,” “health,” “learning”). Then, for each value, identify a small, specific action you can take. Reflect on why you chose this value and how acting on it supports you, even if guilt is present.
Living and working by your values is also crucial in burnout prevention and burnout recovery too!
1. Describe the situation: eg. “I feel disconnected from my kids because I’m so busy at work”
2. Identify your value(s): e.g., “Family connection”. If you’re not sure what your values are, then this list of values will help you get started!
3. Identify an action linked to the value: What small action can you take to honor this value? (e.g., “Have a family game night on Saturdays.”)
4. Reflect: How will this action help you feel more aligned with your values?
A worked example:
1. Describe the situation: Sam values her health but struggles to fit exercise into her very busy family life. She feels guilty for wanting to make time to exercise and worries it will take her away from her kids.
2.Identify your value(s): Health and family
3. Identify an action linked to the value (s): Take a 10-minute walk each morning whilst her partner helps the kids to have breakfast before they leave for work.
4. Reflect: “This small action helps me feel energized and healthy, supporting me in all the roles I play.”
5. Outcome: Sam can permit herself to have a daily 10-minute walk without feeling guilty, as it allows her to fulfill both values of health and family.
How much time to spend doing this:
Review your values and actions monthly, or whenever you feel disconnected from your priorities.
The amount of time you need to spend doing this is very small- just 20 minutes once a month is enough to get started!
In 1–2 months, you’ll likely feel more centered, as acting on your values will reinforce meaningful, guilt-free choices. If using the free printable, use the space provided to do the exercise.
Guilt and Shame Therapy Exercise 3: Self-compassion exercise for shame
This exercise encourages you to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Practicing self-compassion can reduce shame and help you bounce back from guilt in a healthier way. Think of a situation that triggered shame. Imagine a friend was feeling the same way—how would you comfort her? Write down what you’d say in your journal or notes app on your phone. Then, rewrite that message as if you’re speaking directly to yourself.
1. Describe the shame–triggering situation: What happened? (e.g., “I forgot about a school event.”)
2. Write a compassionate response for a friend: What would you say to comfort a friend in this situation?
3. Now address yourself: Rewrite that compassionate response, but directed toward yourself.
A worked example:
1. Describe the shame-triggering situation: Aisha forgot her son’s school play date.
2. Write a compassionate response to a friend: “You’re juggling so much—mistakes happen, and they don’t define your worth as a mom.”
3. Now address yourself: “I’m managing a lot, and forgetting one event doesn’t make me a bad mom. I’m doing my best.”
4. Outcome: Aisha can show herself the same compassion she would show a friend in the same situation as her, combatting her negative internal self-talk.
How much time to spend doing this:
Use this exercise whenever shame arises. Practicing once every 1–2 weeks can be a good starting point. This exercise can be done in just 10 minutes per session.
After 3–4 weeks, many moms notice a softer inner voice, learning to extend the same kindness to themselves that they’d give a friend. If you have downloaded the free printable, use the space provided to do this exercise.
Guilt and shame take time to unwind, but after 4–6 weeks of consistent practice, most moms feel an increase in self-compassion, resilience, and emotional clarity. The benefits build gradually, creating a foundation for reducing stress and burnout.
3 tips for moms worried about time to do these therapy exercises:
1. Start small
If you only have 5 minutes, use that time to answer just one question in the “Guilt Check” exercise. A small step is better than none, and even a few minutes can lead to insights that make a difference.
2. Combine with other activities- aka habit stacking!
Try doing these exercises during quiet moments, like early morning with coffee or after the kids go to bed. Treat it as time just for you, similar to winding down or preparing for the day.
3. View this as essential, not a chore
These exercises aren’t chores; they’re acts of self-care that help you become more resilient and present. The more you view it as nurturing yourself, the easier it will be to make them a priority.
By making small but consistent efforts, you’ll find these exercises bring clarity, lessen guilt, and free up emotional space, making daily life just a bit lighter.
Final thoughts on how working moms can overcome guilt and shame using these therapy exercises
Guilt and shame are normal, but they don’t have to control your life. As a working mom, using CBT and ACT techniques can empower you to recognize these emotions, manage them healthily, and prevent them from contributing to burnout. By following exercises like the “Guilt Check” Thought Record, Values-Based Action Plan, and Self-Compassion Exercise, you can work toward a guilt-free mindset that lets you thrive both at work and at home.
I love to hear from my readers. If you have any questions please do let me know in the comments and I’ll respond!
Download the worksheet below and start on the path to a guilt-free, balanced life—you deserve it.