Working mums in their 40s are at breaking point. This group is being stretched thanks to the combination of work, having kids, caring for elderly parents, and approaching the menopause. This devastating combination of stress is the perfect storm for burnout in working mums in their 40s. 

This blog post will tell you exactly how and why being a working mum can cause burnout. You’ll also find out how being 40 years + puts you at increased risk. Most importantly, you will also learn 5 things that you can do right now to prevent burnout if you are a working mum in your 40s.

Let’s dive right in. To start, let’s consider how the domestic and mental loads contribute to burnout in working mums.

The data referred to here relates to cis-heterosexual relationships.

Understanding why burnout happens to working mums: Working mums do more domestic chores

The domestic load for working women is significant. Women still do more of the household chores compared to men, even when both spouses work full-time jobs. This gap gets bigger when a couple has children. This means you’ll be doing more of the washing, cooking and cleaning than your partner after you have kids.

Working mums also take on more mental load

But, it’s not just more of the domestic workload that you need to do. The mental work of keeping a family running is also your job. You will most likely be the parent responsible for keeping household routines, organising schedules, maintaining order, and providing emotional support for your kids. This disproportionate share of the mental workload is directly linked to a poorer sense of wellbeing for women. It’s also linked with lower levels of satisfaction with their relationships.

However, the increased mental load for working mums is more complicated than just taking on more of it.

Working mums take on the hardest parts of the mental load

Hands up which of you identify with worrying about childcare when you’re at work. Do you constantly dread the phone call of doom from school to say your kid has got a fever? Perhaps you worry about the commute home and getting to nursery pick up in time to avoid a fine? Or maybe you feel guilty for being away from your kids, even though you know that they are safe? 

This is because women are more likely than men to worry about childcare, even when they are not with their kids. It causes huge additional stress, because it is always present – even when you should be concentrating on other things. 

How does this happen? Scientists have identified that the mental load process can be divided into four parts: anticipate, identify, decide, and monitor. What they’ve found is that women disproportionately engage with different parts of the process compared to men. 

What are the different parts of the mental load, and how does this cause burnout in working mums?

To help you understand this in more detail, let’s imagine that you are thinking about applying for a school place for your child.

“Anticipate” means looking for schools the year before

“Identify” involves setting up tours and talking to others about your options

“Decide” requires choosing the best school for your child;

“Monitor” means making sure the paperwork is turned in, the school uniform is bought (and hopefully not grown out of!), and that your child is ready for their first day.

Women are much more likely to handle the “anticipate” and “monitor” steps in the process. In the majority of families, women are more likely to put an item on the agenda and more likely to follow up to make sure it got done. This is true even for household tasks assigned to the male in the household. Male and female participation in decision-making is roughly equal; essentially, once the item was on the agenda and the research completed, couples tended to make decisions together

(source: Daminger, A, 2019). 

Working mums aren’t just taking on more of the mental load, you’re also taking on the most draining bits. No wonder you’re exhausted.  It’s easy to see why there is a huge problem with burnout in working mums in their 40s!

Steph, founder of Don’t Buy Her Flowers, describes this never ending overwhelm perfectly in her article for The Juggle:

“I think part of the problem is that we can see how lucky we are compared to many, and we do cope. And when I say ‘we’, let’s be straight – women are still carrying the load required to run a family. In fact CNBC reported that as women’s financial contributions increase, they pick up a heavier load when it comes to household chores and caregiving responsibilities. Perhaps because they’re trying to make up for working and not having total focus on the family.

Because we are a guinea pig generation. More women are working in some capacity, but that hasn’t led to a fundamental shift in what happens at home. So we’re just adding, while often trying to simultaneously replicate the more traditional role we saw women in our parent’s generation carry out. Then as we’re having children later, we’re also managing a timely triumvirate of kids that still need us, ageing parents and perimenopause. And we’re wondering why we feel broken?” 

You can see that the increased load on working mums is the perfect storm for burnout.

Understanding why burnout happens to working mums in their 40s

To recap, working mums of all ages deal with more domestic load- and the hardest parts of the mental load. This is one of the reasons why burnout in working mums in their 40s is more of a problem than in working dads.

But, in your 40s, you’re also likely to be looking after ageing parents at a time when you’re entering the peri menopause. The caring burden is a particularly heavy one, and especially so when your kids are still young too. Furthermore, peri menopause affects every woman differently. Some women sail through it, others are crippled by their symptoms. The additional caring and peri menopause loads reduce your capacity for stress, and make it harder to juggle all of your responsibilities without losing your mind.

In addition, the symptoms of burnout might look and feel like peri menopause. Symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, fatigue, irritability- these can be both burnout or peri menopause. Take a look at this post to read more about the symptoms of burnout.

5 ways to properly prevent burnout in working mums in their 40s:

1. Outsource and delegate

Anything you can do to reduce your load will help prevent burnout. You could reduce your domestic load by paying for a cleaner, or buying the occasional convenience meal so you don’t need to cook. For some ways of outsourcing, you do need a degree of financial privilege to be able to do it. However, if you don’t have financial flexibility, don’t worry. Your outsourcing of help doesn’t necessarily have to involve spending money. You could ask your friends and family to help with a spot of babysitting. You can delegate some of the load to your kids if they’re old enough (and you have it in you to deal with any wingeing!).

Don’t be afraid to offload. When you do this, you will gain a bit of space for some of that annoying mental stuff that you tend to carry as a woman (such as “anticipating” and “monitoring”, and worrying about childcare when you’re at work). 

2. Get your partner on board!

Statistically, you’ll be doing much more of the domestic load and the emotional load in your household. So, get your partner to step up! Think about the load that bothers you the most, whether that’s the cleaning, the ironing, cooking. Whatever it is, ask your partner to do their fair share, and in a meaningful way.

3. Therapy

Changing how you think is a powerful tool to managing the load. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy are 2 excellent and evidence based forms of therapy that will help you to carry the mental load, and both are evidenced in burnout too. If you are finding things hard I do recommend that you think about accessing some therapy- trust me, it is a game changer. 

If you are finding it difficult to access therapy, then I highly recommend getting The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris (aff link). The book is all about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. So many patients and colleagues have told me this book has transformed their lives!

Ignore all the internet bro wellness advice

Don’t get sucked into thinking that you get up at 5am to work out and meditate, so that you can cram your self care into your already busy day. An exhausted mum needs to be asleep at 5am, not doing cardio. Screw the productivity hacks. Most of them are perpetuated by men without kids- or by women who have a lot of help and money! You don’t need an extra hour in your day, what you need is proper physical and emotional support. Focus on getting this and not internet wellness advice (well, apart from this blog!!).

Get expert help if you need it

If you can’t do it all remember that it is NOT your fault. You’re human and your capacity for stress is not infinite. If you are worried about your mental health then please do speak to your doctor. They are there to help with whatever problem or combination of problems you are currently experiencing. Doctors and therapists can’t change how society is structured (smashing the patriarchy isn’t yet on medical school curriculums!), but they can help you through the difficult times, and help you to develop really great coping strategies for stress.

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments. If there is enough interest then I could write an article on the peri menopause, and how its symptoms can be similar to burnout? Let me know if this something you’d like to read!

References/further reading: 

Domestic load stats: US Government data

Mental load: Ciciolla, Lucia; Luthar, Suniya S (2019).  Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles; New York Vol. 81, Iss. 7-8, 467-486. DOI:10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x

The different parts of the mental load: Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007